- My daughter doesn't fold her laundry or do dishes right after eating, and I judged her for it.
- I do these things for her and her family when I visit, and I worry that it annoys them.
- I realized that she doesn't fuss over cleaning because it gives her more time with her kids.
I think my kids should do their dishes immediately after eating, fold their laundry, and make their beds — because that's what I do. But I've never seen my daughter and son-in-law's bed made. I don't make it for them, but I do often empty their overflowing bathroom wastebasket when I visit them.
When my daughter Ali brought my future son-in-law Chrix home to meet me for the first time, he learned just how helpful I am. His suitcase was on the floor full of unfolded clothes. I assumed they were dirty, scooped them up, washed them, folded them, and put them in a drawer.
I love visiting my daughter's family
They married five years ago and have two daughters, now 3-years-old and 18 months. Most evenings, they video call me during dinner, and I feel like I'm at the table with them. The kids are great at including me in their lives. A few weeks ago, when I was staying with them, my daughter said, "Mommy, stop folding the clothes."
I ignored her and continued folding like I always did. Then, more firmly but without anger, she said, "I'm not letting you fold the clothes," and took them from the dining room table into the bedroom. She is as patient with me as she is with her daughters.
She told other family members who were visiting how freeing it is not to fold clothes. "I sort them in piles, then they go into the appropriate drawers," she said.
My daughter does things differently from how she was raised
It's hard to believe that my daughter, who grew up in a house with her shirts perfectly aligned in color-coded piles, doesn't fold the laundry.
Ali comes from a long line of benevolent meddlers. My grandmother stuck a middle initial on my birth certificate while my mother was still dopey after my birth. My husband and I were a little annoyed when my mother threw away the pillows in our first apartment and bought us what she thought were better ones. At first, we complained, until we realized that they were better.
When I visit my kids, I vacuum the sesame seeds out of the freezer that are there because they leave bagels in an open paper bag and don't bother to use a Ziplock. And it's not because they're saving the earth. Every light in the apartment is on at all times. When I was a little girl, if I left the bathroom light on, my mother would say, "Do you own stock in Florida Power and Light?"
I don't think they notice when I clean their freezer, but often Ali tells me that she worries that I'm working too much.
My son told me that Chrix asked him why I have to rearrange things all the time. I wondered if he was referring to the time I put all their spices in order or arranged all the bowls in the cabinet. He might find me annoying, but I'm hoping he thinks having me around the kids outweighs his annoyance.
When Ali caught me picking up toys, she said, "Mommy, don't worry about the toys, they'll just be on the floor again after school."
"Am I driving you crazy?" I asked.
"No, we appreciate the help, but we'd rather you hang out with the girls than clean up," she said.
It felt like she was rejecting the way she was raised, rejecting me. I asked her if she ever felt unloved as a child when I did household chores. She said, "Never."
Then she laughed at the video I took of Noa vacuuming. "Look how thorough she is. She even vacuumed the dining chairs," I said.
"She's her Nanu's granddaughter," Ali replied.
Later, Ali called me the "baby whisperer" because I was the only one who could calm my younger granddaughter, and I felt loved, not rejected.
On the last day of my visit, Ali and Chrix thanked me for getting up at 6 a.m. with the girls each day so they could sleep in, which may be why they didn't hide the dust buster from me.
They are moving to Seattle at the end of the month for work, as far away from me in Miami as possible in the mainland United States. I know it's not to get away from me because each house they looked at had a room for me, and they asked me which one I preferred. I tried not to weigh in, but my son says I make faces and noises when I don't like something. They bought my favorite of the houses and asked me to come for the entire summer.
Now, I realize that they're trying to manage their time efficiently and be good parents. Ali lets my granddaughters play in the tub for 45 minutes instead of rushing them into their pajamas. Then she reads them a bonus book after she already read the three books that Noa insists on because she's 3.
I can see that Ali is tired and just wants some time to herself, but she places importance on what matters: the girls, not the dirty dishes. I clean up and do the dishes because I don't want her to have to do one more thing at the end of the day. It's meddling, but it's also helping and I won't stop, and as I fold the fourth load of laundry that day, I realize that my daughter is doing a great job, even though it's different than the way I did things.